Don’t Let the Iceberg Sink You

The Great Titanic, one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s breakout movies and perhaps the reason why he is so passionate about climate change. Ok, maybe not but that movie was a classic. Although it has been years since I have seen the movie, I can still recall Rose DeWitt Butaker (played by Kate Winslett) crying out to Jack Dawson (played by Leonardo DiCaprio) to wake him up even those he was frozen. If only an act of true love could unfreeze people like we see in Frozen, then Jack would have made it. The tragedy was just something that never should have happened. People were so confident about the Great Titanic being a ship that could not be sunken, until an iceberg that was totally unnoticeable until minutes before collision destroyed everything. I feel as though some of our biggest battles are the ones that no one else can see, except for us but only when we are willing to look deep enough. The subconscious can be a hidden enemy holding you down, but it also has the potential to sink your ship. 

The Titanic <3

I believe one of the most challenging things about life is that the person holding you back the most is usually yourself. One of the most impactful books on my life is a book called, “The Big Leap: Conquer your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level” by Gay Hendricks. In the book, Hendricks talks about something that we all have and it is called “the upper limit”. We all believe we are worth something, but some people believe they are worthy of more and some people are worthy of less. Some people do not believe that they deserve a good romantic relationship, so when their relationship is too good and more then what they believe they deserve they start self-sabotaging. One of my favorite songs is by Lennon Stella and JP Saxe called “Golf on TV” and what they talk about is how real, honest, and good relationship is a rarity. Here are some of the lyrics:

You just been so consistent

That stability

It's so healthy

It's confusing me

I'm done with romanticizing

Dysfunction and compromising

You treat me so well

It's weird

But I love how much I like it

YOUR UPPER LIMIT DICTATES YOUR LIFE

Even if we want what is good for us, it can be confusing for us to not have issues because we believe that we do not deserve something that is good. I grew up in Sacramento, California and it is a suburban place with a wide-range of families from different socioeconomic statuses. The high school that I went to was a private school, which had a lot of really wealthy families and there were some schools around us that had people coming from a much lower socioeconomic status. The wild thing was that the schools with a higher socioeconomic status would perform better not only in academics but also most of the time with sports too. I know a lot of this can come down to the facilities and the staff that we have, but I think the issue is much deeper than that. I believe the people that have money feel they are worthy of more because they have more and maybe their families instill in them that they are worthy of more success. 

I have been in relationships when the two partners feel like they have a similar value, however I have also been in a relationship where my partner felt like they had very little value and it was probably the most tiring and stressful relationship that I have ever been a part of. Every other friendship that I was building was supposedly someone that I would leave her for. If I had the opportunity to model, give a talk, teach a class, or collaborate on a photoshoot was dangerous because she would get insecure and afraid that I would leave her right after. The reason why is because deep down we all believe that we are worthy of a certain level of success, happiness, money, and relationship. We end up self-sabotaging when we feel like we are getting closer to our upper limit. 

A key belief that we all have is how worthy we are of success, happiness, money, and relationships. But we all have other beliefs about ourselves that influence so much of our lives. I have so many beliefs about myself, some of them positive and some of them are negative. I sometimes believe that what I am writing or saying does not really matter to the rest of the world. But I also believe that every person deserves a right to grow and to love themselves even a little bit more, which drives me to continue putting myself out there. There are also small beliefs like how I can believe that I can’t dance. So when I am around my cousins that are amazing Filipino dancers I might stand a little more still. But if I am around a group of (no offense) white people that probably can’t dance, I turn into Bruno Mars for some reason. So I know that the truth is I can dance, but I have a belief inside of me that hinders that. 

THE ICEBERG BELIEFS

What are the beliefs in your life that might be hindering you in some way? Here are mine: I am not good at sustaining relationships. My voice does not matter. I don’t deserve a lot of money. I don’t really matter too much to the world and those around me. 

It can be a little heart-breaking to actually write down these beliefs. I don’t write that to have a pity party, but I wrote that down so you know that we all have beliefs about ourselves that limit us. 

I first heard about “iceberg beliefs” through Jim Kwik’s book, “Limitless”. He quoted the authors of the book Mequilibrium: Jan Bruce, Dr. Andrew Shatte, and Dr. Adam Perlman. Here is what they said, “Iceberg beliefs are deeply rooted and powerful, and they fuel our emotions. The more entrenched an iceberg is, the more havoc it wreaks on your life… creating your schedule chaos, getting in the way of successfully sticking to a diet, or holding you back from seizing opportunities.” Scary right? There is a bright side though. They said, “if we get a handle on our icebergs, we gain an enormous amount of control over our feelings and our lives. Melt an iceberg and all the downstream events it causes gets washed away as well.” When you can get a handle over the iceberg you have the ability fight all the negative aspects of it. 

Let’s get started with melting those iceberg beliefs in your life. Let’s fight against the limiting beliefs that might be holding you back. Jim Kwik’s book is called Limitless because it is all about breaking past the things that were once limiting. A key metaphor that Kwik uses to explain the difference between a limiting belief and a limitless mindset is a thermometer vs a thermostat. 

A thermometer only has one job and that is to react to the environment. All it does is read the temperature. While a thermostat has the ability to react to environment and its hindrances. Your limiting beliefs only limit you when you do not even know that you need to make a difference. When you do not even know how to make the right changes. However, if you want to shift to a limitless mindset you just need to know what changes need to be made. I am sure there is wise person out there saying, “be the thermostat”. 

this is a thermostat

I had an opportunity to go to a really nice winter home in Lake Tahoe a few years ago. We went in the snow and it was such a beautiful environment and experience. One of the highlights of the place was the nest thermometer’s on the wall because they controlled everything! The nest not only turned on the heater, but it also turned on these heated tiles inside the house so when you were walking your feet were warmed too. The house was equipped for all these different changes to make living in it a more wholesome experience. When you properly equip yourself with the right tools to push past your limiting beliefs then you can find peace and live a better life. 

Here are Jim Kwik’s 3 keys to reframing your limiting beliefs:

Step #1 — Name them

Get clear on the beliefs that are limiting you. Maybe you feel like you lack drive to pursue your goals. Your limiting belief can be that you are lazy. Perhaps your limiting belief is that you are weak. Listen for the words, “I can’t”, “I’m not”, or “I don’t”. When you say those words then you are probably encountering some of your limited beliefs. Maybe you talk to yourself and say things like, “I can’t lose weight”. “I don’t ever reach my goals.” “I’m not capable of being in a healthy partnership."

It is also helpful to see when those limiting beliefs may have started. With my dancing limiting belief, I remember all those times at Filipino parties when my cousins were breaking it down on the dance floor and I was just standing there. My “I can’t do public speaking” limiting belief is because when I was in 2nd Grade I was so petrified to speak in front of the class that I needed a classmate to talk for me. Maybe you tried a diet before and felt like a failure when you did not see the results that you wanted. That could be holding you back from all future success in that aspect of your life. 

Kwik said this about defining those beliefs:

"Being aware of how you’re holding yourself back with your self-talk and spending some time to get to the source of these beliefs is extremely liberating, because once you’re aware, you can begin to realize that these aren’t facts about you, but rather opinions."

Knowing that these beliefs are just opinions allows you to deny those beliefs and even talk back to them. If your belief is that you never reach your goals then you can quickly look back at some of the goals in your most recent memory that you have achieved, even if they are just small goals. Even if your goal is to just workout once, then you still achieved your goal. It is so important to not let the opinions you hold about yourself limiting you from moving forward.

Step #2 - Get to the Facts

Sometimes I wish I could choose a different career and not put myself in positions where I have to deal with stress. Even though I know every career has its own stressors, I wish you could see me before I teach a class, do a public speech, or even make a post. I can get so afraid of these things. Every time I teach a class, even if it is 3-5 people I get the same amount of stress for sold out classes with 30-40 people. Same thing for public speaking, I would experience similar stress when speaking in front of 5-7 people than when I speak in front of 100-500 people. Maybe I just do not feel like I am good at public speaking and I don't really think people will care about whatever I have to say.

However, when I really look back on my experiences many of my times speaking in public actually went very well. Tons of people like my classes even though I sometimes lack the belief in myself. This just shows how important it is that we ask ourselves if something is truly real. Are we really terrible at public speaking? Are we really not driven? Do we really fail when we pursue something?

If the answer is no, even if it gives you a little bit more strength or a little more positivity then that is a success. Knowing that these beliefs are not real actually help us power through and more past those limiting beliefs. One step closer to becoming "limitless" like Jim Kwik talks about in his book.

Step #3 - Create a New Belief

I am still working on my confidence in my own voice. What troubles me with public speaking, posting online, or even teaching a class is that my voice does not actually matter. Even though there are so many people that encourage me and let me know that I am making a difference in their lives. I am working on changing my belief from "my voice does not matter" to "my voice is helpful". I do not want to focus on if my voice matters or not, but I want to focus on my voice just trying to help so if I help one or two people then that is enough for me.

This is the most important step of this three step process because you give yourself the ability to redefine the beliefs that you hold. Give yourself the power back by choosing how to define your personal beliefs.

Instead of thinking things like, "I can never lose weight" focus on "my hard work helps me achieve my goals". Maybe your limiting belief is relational and you do not believe you deserve a strong romantic relationship than you can shift your belief to how everyone deserves someone to love them including you.

The ___ is such a douche

So maybe you were trying to identify your iceberg beliefs and while you were getting to the facts you noticed that your self talk is what is really holding you back. Take the opportunity to give that negative voice in your head a name. When you do find ways to talk back to it.

When your self talk tells you that you are going to fail like you always have before, start telling it all the times that you have succeeded. When your self talk tells you that you are never going to find love, take the opportunity to say "thank you, but just keep watching me."  Dr. Susan Pierce Thompson, creator of "Bright Line Eating", calls that negative voice in her head the saboteur.

That voice is constantly trying to derail you and speak negatively to you so you do not commit to the change that you are seeking. Naming that negative voice inside you helps you push away from that voice and reshape the way that you talk to yourself. So name that negative voice and tell it to stop being such a douche.

REFLECTIONS FROM A HEALTH COACH

Being in the health and fitness industry for the past decade has been such a joy. I really love working with clients and helping them reach their personal best in all aspects of their lives, but I would be lying to you if I said there were not some tough times as well. I have my own challenges as a coach like the inconsistent income, no paid time-off, uncontrollable factors like clients moving or going on vacation. All that is worth it when I get to see my clients really progress in life and it happens in a variety of ways. What I think kills me more than any other challenge is to hear when my clients have really negative self-talk about themselves and do not see how beautiful and good they really are. The biggest battles that we all face are not always going to be fought on the barbells, dumbbells, or cardio machines. The biggest battles that we all face is the internal battle that dictates our value and how we feel about ourselves.

So I hope you can win the internal battle. I hope the iceberg beliefs will not sink your ship. And I hope, with all of my heart, that you create new beliefs about you so that you can truly believe in yourself. You got this, friend.

shot by Rob Hammer for TRX